xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Self-Destruct Sometimes I think about the control panels that are so often portrayed in movies and the big red buttons that are marked "DANGER". And I consider that I often hit that button of self-destruct at the worst possible times. Mostly the "pushing of the buttons" means that I say things that twist and connive meanings, irritate people and generally make me a skanky bitch to be around. And I like it that way, I suppose, because if I didn't than I suppose I wouldn't do it... Yet, at the end of the day, I wonder at the validity and sanity of my actions and perhaps I feel a tinge of regret after I make every little stinging cut, every biting remark that will undoubtably circle back and bite me in the ass. I can't control the things I think and, while I generally have a tight reign on my emotions and my snarky attitiude, some days I just need to tell people exactly how much they annoy me, how much I hate the picky details that peeve me, how I wish they would do me a favour and walk off the face of the earth...that is, until I am feeling more human and guarded. Then, of course, I want them back. *Sigh* I KNOW that this is impossibly bitchy of me and that no one in their right mind would ever want to have anything whatsoever to do with me because I act this way. Right now, I would say I don't care, that I am comfortable enough with who i am...but sooner or later I'd be lying. I hate the stupid idiotic things I say and the thoughtlessness of my words and actions. I may have good intentions but the logic that I have as to how to carry out my plans are very very messed up. I want to change. I want to take a long extended journey into my psyche and shake some sense into myself. Or maybe I just want to know that I really am ok, no matter what illnesses I may or may not have or what black dogs hold me down. That I can still be loved and love, no matter what. I want to believe that "normal" is less a way of thinking than a way of life. That I can strive to be normal or better. That my eccentricities can be a part of myself that I celebrate, not hide from. I want to have friends that I am completely and brutally hnest with. Ones that I dont have to consider with political implications or external thoughts. That heart-to-heart bitch fests are simply that. Bitch fests and as such, not to be held against me in the light of day. Oh, to be so free... Still, I sit here, in the control panel, and I finger that button and know that it will be pushed again...and soon, if I am not careful. 11:53 p.m. - 2/17/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No Tme For More Yes, a new colour scheme to pull me from the dribble of self-effacing, depressing thoughts of the past few weeks. I feel the compulsion to write, and it isnt even the middle f the night! I know, sometimes I astound myself by getting out of bed before noon. There doesnt seem to be any respite from the daily drip of obligation, from the deadlines that pile one on top of the other in endless array. And I smile, accepting more and more, knees collapsing somewhat from the strain of it all. *Sigh* This month is shaping up to be more of the same and I feel as though I am tumbling down a long incline. Unable to stop, unwilling to, perhaps. Three things that require my utmost attention: (1) GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION While this is mostly under control, I lie awake at night (when I do lie down) worrying about acceptance and the additional stress that acceptance or rejection wil bring. Self-chosen stress, of course. DUE: FEB 15 (2)THE BOOK Again, self-chosen torture. I don't NEED to have this complete for Reading Week (Feb 19-23) but, if I return home this month, it would be nice to have it with me...About 21 more stories left to write. DUE: FEB 19 (3) 25 MINUTE PRESENTATION and 8 PAGE PAPER for ENGL.430 Not even close to being under control, but not self-inflicted either. This will be ok. In fact, I will wow them because I am obessive and whatever, I like to make a good impression, keener that I am! I suppose I could do a run-of-the-mill, bleh presentation, but I didn't get a degree in Education (more commonly referred to as: "stand-in-front-of-the-room-and-entertain-us-so-we-will-learn-something") for nothing! So I guess, in a way, it is self-inflicted. *sigh* Sometimes I wish I was normal. DUE: FEB.27 I guess the change in colours didn't quite work its magic, as I am still here, complaining and whining about things. Oh well. C'est la vie, right? Enough time wasted here. Off I go, to the torture chamber, otherwise known as my office. 11:47 p.m. - 2/5/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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