xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Down for the count So, once again I put myself out on a limb to pull together a gift for one of my angel friends. I started circulating her book in January or February. Hmmm...when I gave it to her on Sunday only about 15 people had written in it and of those probably 12 in the last week or so. Yeah. Apparently it spent a month in one friends closet (and she still hasnt signed it) and another month in a different friends closet (who, incidently, has ALSO not signed it yet) and then, when I gave it to the recipient with apologies that it wasnt more complete because of SOME friends that we share, the person who had had it in her closet for a month jumped onme and told me it was MY fault for trusting her with it. I was livid. What gives? Am I really too stupid to see that she isnt really my friend at all? Sigh. Much as I am loathe to admit that, I go on...pretending and waiting. Friends. In the most unlikely sense of the word. Oh and vowing never again...yet as I say these words, ideas for the next Angels' birthday book pop into my head. I know I know. Pathetic. Need new friends. Something. Anything. I shoud add, however, that the birthday girl LOVED it. Maybe it is worth it in the end...Sigh 12:21 a.m. - 5/13/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Passions, Possibilities and Presence of Mind...
Once again, I find myself here, in the wee hours of the morning-- this morning being significant only because it marks the last day of this old and tired millenium. Standing on this cusp, this remarkable period of strife and rampant dissatisfaction, I wonder about the future and the possibilities that await and I spiral into a trance of self-analysis. What things am I to myself? And the only conclusions I can find are these: I live my life as a refractions of others. Not reflected, necessarily, but sharply affected and perhaps, also, affective. I hope to hope and dream to dream. I dance with the sun in the morning and sing with the stars at night. My life is about teaching--displaying, imitating, modeling, explaining- I am a sponge to absorb the nature of those I surround myself with. My life is about giving because I hae been given to; sharing, because I have plenty; showing because I have skill. My life is about others--those who have enriched me, encouraged me and inspired me. My life is about me... I believe these truths to be self-evident: That we are here to be-- whether it is to be compassionate, imaginative, or just simply to be still. While I am here I am able to enjoy the integrity of a promise, to support a passion for life with enthusiasm, to be forgiving, that I may be forgiven, and to remember, that I may not be forgotten. I am spiritual and try to be optimistic, for the courageous are contagious. A person's greatest need is to be appreciated, thus in recognizing the lovable in the unloved, the strength in the meek and the riches among the paupers in the stores of our hearts, we shall lend them humanity, and find ourselves to be human after all. This is what I value. Treasure, like love, can be hoarded away to be looked upon or longed for, but I am unable to understand why. Is not the brilliance os a smile or the warmth of laughter something that multiplies with the opening of the treasure chest, that is, the opening of our hearts? This year, I think that it was important that I become free of many external pressures--from home or school, friends or family. I sought out the highlights in the clouds and the gentleness of the breeze. And yet, increasingly, it becomes important that I tell the people I love that I do and that they are important to me. Somehow, some days, I must tell myself that I am important too... I believe that my goals are worthwhile and that the essence of my life is worthy. I am aware of the possibilities that are opening up and must find the courage to express them and the determination to see my dreams come to fruition. I am unearthing the resentments and fears that keep me in chains and work towards being the best lover, best girlfriend, best teacher, best friend, and best daughter that I can be. My life and lifestyle, in and of itself, with my exuberance and energy, tells the world that it is ALL worthwhile. In this, I am certain, and step towards the new millenium and the new year proud and passionate with a clear and unequivocal presence of mind...
11:31 p.m. - 12/31/2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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