xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Motherhood and Stuff
Sometimes things occur to us in strange places and in strange moments. While watching scads of can't-tear-your-eyes-away-TLC/LIFE Network, a good friend asked me hw I felt about being a mother. More specifically, "What's scary about motherhood?" Now understand that we were flipping between birth stories of glorious plump babies in effortless deliveries, flesh-eating disease-ridden backs, stupid drunk drivers and conjoined twins. Our minds were not in the most...logical and rational states. The question arose after watching a story about a girl with a genetic birth defect and the mother had mentioned thinking about the possibility of "What if something isn't quite right?" before giving birth and finding out he worst nightmare had become reality. My friend then asked if I had ever thought about "What if..." As a natural worrywart, "whatif" is a constant companion, as in "What if I hadn't had Julia?" "What if I had a boy instead?" "What if she hates me when she grows up?" And sometimes the biggie "What if I am really not a good mom?" Granted I also thought about the possibility that my delivery wouldnt go smoothly. That I might hemorrage on the operating table during my c-section, that the doctor might leave something inside me, just for fun. Yes, I do often have too much idle thinking time. But I digress. The scary things about motherhood are those little nagging thoughts that nudge you awake at 3 in the morning: -Knowing you are responsible for the happiness of a ittle person -Knowing that you can abuse the priviledge of parenting with a single withering look and a sharp rebuke, to say nothing of violence--physical, emotional or otherwise -Thinking that you created this person, a miracle of perfection -The right nutrition, the right exercise -Knowing that there are terrible years ahead--2's, 3's, 4's, teens -Sometimes hating other small children and wondering how you can prevent your child from doing annoying things to other people -Already finding it hard to remember the first few months -Seeing her fall asleep without you one night -Wanting her to walk, all be herself, not wanting her to walk away from you forever -Feeling so sleep-deprived you want to cry all the time -Getting so frustrated that you think about throwing her away from you -Not being able to help her when she cries I could go on, but sleep beckons me and I must answer her call...
1:13 a.m. - 7/16/2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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