xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Compiling and Letting go I have a thing for compilations: tapes, pictures (collages, scrapbooks, albums) writing (poetry books, anthologies, random scribblings) and som,etimes just junk. Is this last one a compliation? Well it is, of sorts. I just cant get rid of it all. I promised myself that I would purge everything for the new place but here I am knee deep in stuff I cant sort out and cant quite throw away. Well I can, I am just finding it tough. I know, I know, no one ever said it would be easy. But there are so many more interestring thngs I can find to do instead of sorting through it. But I hate looking at it and everyday i pass by it I close my eyes and hope that it would simply sort itself into a happy organized place and the rest would simply disappear. When i open my eyes again, it is still there, a big reproachful mess. Sigh. I have decided to give up a big chunk of teaching things. I have come to the conclusion that as much as I love education and the idea of kids and my own classroom, I would HATE the politics so much that I dont think I could play the game in order to have the illusion of my own classroom. I am quite content having my fingers trail (as they are now) in the educational field. In the literacy research, in the new project (storysacks) that I am becoming a part of. I am delighted that I have a flexible job that allows me to stay home with my child if I feel like it. I love the freedom of watching her grow up. She is sitting next to me, cooing over a stuffed cat, cuddling and stroking its fur. (Yes, I feel guilty about getting rid of her cat but, what can I do? Maybe in the future we will have one again) I miss the steadiness of money and paycheck but I do work so I do make money, just not the same paycheck week after week. The point is, I am done having loads of teaching materials that I am not sure will ever be put to use. I wil keep those things that I can not replace but most of the activity worksheets and such I can get elsewhere if I end up down that path. And with that decision made, I just have to find time to do it. Oi. I feel like I have made a huge step in my life, and try not to get bogged down with my past ideals or ambitions. Not that there is anything wrong with ambition, I just see that the point where I was when I began to think of teaching as a career and the point where I am now have missed each other on the continuum of life. Maybe I will journey down that path yet, who can know for certain. It is more difficult than I thought it would be, letting go. The things in those boxes symbolized my youth, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations. To let them go like this feels, like...failure. I know it is not but nevertheless, the feelings linger. And so it goes... 1:12 a.m. - 6/30/2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One last day I have been here for three days now and tonight will likely be my last night in hospital. Dwayne is staying with me this last night and we will care for our little girl as a family. The nurse brings him a squeeky plastic cot when she discovers him on the floor. Julia is predictably fussy late at night, party animal that she is, sleeps all day and stays up all night. After an hour and a hlf, we ring for the nurse. Instead of taking her away to be given forula, they bring the formula to us and we feed her gingerly. She takes only a few sips of formula before getting the hiccups (the cutest things in the world!)and falling into a sound sleep. We worry about keeping the neighbours up at night with her crying and make plans to make formula on standby, just in case. As worried as we are about being evicted, we are simply enchanted by her and are falling in love with her very quickly. Home tommorow! 12:54 a.m. - 6/23/2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fast Forward Ok, it must have been because I was even considering moving that God in His infinite jest decided to hit fast forward. You see, right after writing the previous entry (well, the next day, anyway) Dwayne got laid off from work. Ostensibly from lack of work, but awfully coincidently, in my eyes. In any case, the economy is so much worse in this province compared to home and so, moving back would be the most logical (and ironically the cheaper) of our options. Sadly, this is the perfect opportunity to withdraw from all of my academia at UNBC, as the last day for withdrawl from classes without academic penalty is on Tues. and the deadline for grad school would have been the 15th. Dwayne feels awfully guilty for stopping this process that he knows will never happen again (I mean, in theory, I suppose that I could come back Someday, but in reality..well, why would I return to Prince George, if I didn't have something more... persuasive here?) So we are moving home. I am glad, as i have been dreadfully lonely, but then again, I feel like I am uprooting from a place I had resigned myself to for a good 5 years. I pack boxes as though in a haze and slowly, it is beginning to hit me, the very implications of what going home really are. I will be the breadwinner, as I go back to teach and Dwayne goes back to school. Our little family will be solely dependant on my income, as we are trying to minimize any debt load that we must incur. A hefty responsibility indeed, but one that I cannot shirk away from. Dwayne has been so good to me for so long as I struggled to finish my degree. The time to return the favor has come and I shall endeavor to do so. There is much to do in the short month that we have left. So, if you dont hear from me very often, you now understand why. I shall return. 11:51 p.m. - 2/11/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||