xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Home at last Ahh...how nice it is to be home :) There is nothing quite ike the comfort of your own bed and clothes, after days in the hospital routine! We spend the day mostly sleeping, Julia and I. Dwayne tends to the chores and last minute preparations for baby. We are in the midst of a heat wave and it is gross and hot. We have asked that there be no visitors today as we "babymoon" as a family, just getting settled in and getting to know one another. Dwayne is staying home from school til Thursday and I am so blessed that he is so tender with the baby. I can feel my milk starting to 'let down". It feels very odd, as does knowing that any little flutters I feel now, are all me. ---- Julia fusses for a short time at night but when Dwayne makes a whole bottle of formula, she takes only about five drops before turning over and sleeping for five hours! I dont think it is the actual formula that matters....Sigh. 12:55 a.m. - 6/24/2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unlocking Time I have such tumble in my head, to get it all sorted might take time. And what of time, anyway, that it may hold the key to so many things: forgiveness, trust, knowledge, insight, and love? Time, the healer of pain, the distance of reality, the nuance of joy. We must learn to cherish the minutes, the idle sands that run from our fingertips and dance in the waves lining the shores of our lives. I have felt it tick, immeasureably slow, rubber-band moments that tortured the very shred of existence that I clung to. And so have I felt the moments fly, swiftly and tumultuously flinging me headlong with giddy anticipation and sheer exhileration. So have I had this weekend enjoyed the wonder of flight, a moment of sheer and terrible adrenaline passing through me, giving me pause and yet, showing me flight. I danced with the stars and smiled with a happiness that threatened to overwhelm my very being. And, there, with my love by my side, in the shadow of the magnificent spires, while surrounded by snow-capped mountains that towered with majesty, catching sivery raindrops in shimmering night, I said yes. 12:29 a.m. - 7/22/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moving Home... So, here I am, searching for a home at home. It has been tiresome only because we deserve to be a bit picky about where we are going to live. We have visited a lot of dives and hole in the wall joints, but none of them scream "home". So we continue to look. It feels likely that I will be able to pick up the same schlocky retail job I had in Prince George, and for now, while I am waiting to hear from the public school system. I got together with the girls on Monday, and it was really really good to laugh with them over magaritas again. And yet, somehow, it isnt easy coming home. I had thought that it would be nothing to slip off the six months away and slide back, without incident or feelings, into my old skin. But it isn't easy and I don't know what I am to do. It isnt that I am wholly uncomfortable with anything specifically, but there is a nagging part of my mind that can't laugh as easily or without effort. I have missed six months of life here and I am not at all in the loop. I don't have any idea what has happened between friends or acquaintances and I am on eggshells wondering. On top of that, I am not in school or at work and so, have nothing solid to identify myself with. I need to be a bit easier on myself, I know, but I think that it has something to do woth our current living arrangements. We are staying with Dwayne's friend and he has been phenomenal about letting us, as well as our cat, stay as long as we need. Still, living out of a bag and the back of the car, eating restaurant food and junk for a week is driving me crazy. Today, I went out and bought all the fixings for spaghetti dinner because I needed to feel a little bit normal. I am slowly easing my mind back into the fact that I am really home for good. That I am not simply on vacation, or waiting to return to Prince George. It is a bit to wrap my mind around and I miss this forum, most of all...Can't wait to get back online on my own terms again.
12:12 a.m. - 2/22/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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