xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I need... Many thoughts running through my head and I dont know if I can give them form. I've been feeling really off lately. Like there is something that isn't quite right in my world. My relationship with my friends is strainged. I have come to the edge of calling some off, drawing some closer, shrugging some aside. I am unsure of my footing and don't know where to turn when I have moments like this and it hurts to think that I may never again have a place to be just me, 100% of the time. My relationship with my husband is feeling quirky, like we are on different pages. That sometimes we are not even in the same book. We are both tired, we are both frustrated. I havent any idea what he feels about our relationship, but I think that he is always on the verge of anger with me. Frustrated that I am not myself, maybe thinking that I am not the person that he thought he married. I dont know if he has regrets. I am stressed and walking on eggshells, giving in some moments to the almost insurmountable anger inside me. I am seething with....I don't know what. Confusion, perhaps. I feel like I am raising a little manipulator. It is time to lay down the line about where Julia sleeps and nurses. It is time for her to understand that she is not the boss and that we have expectations of her. I am frustrated with myself because I can not get myself on track to keep her scheduled and that is throwing her off too, poor girl. I can't do it myself. But I have no one who is able to understand the things we need to do to get there. I wish it were easier, I wish I could glean some clue of how things need to go to work well. I need to work out a schedule. I need to feed her more regularly before bed so she doesn't wake in the dead of the night looking for dinner. I need to let her cry it out for a week so that she learns to comfort herself, and fall back asleep without my help or anyone else's help either. I need to stop sniping at my husband. I need him to let me know, without prompting or fishing for compliments, that I am doing OK, that he would love to take her for awhile so I can have a break. That I am worth that time to keep my sanity. I need to stop waiting for these breakdowns to make things happen. I need a better communication method. I need to figure out a system for keeping track of my money. Maybe I need an allowance so I can do things I want to do but not feel penalized for spending money down the line. I need to be allowed to make mistakes, to feel sad, to get angry and see my friends. I need time with my girl one on one and I also need time away from her without feeling guilty. I need to know that time away from her and leaving her with him isn't a punishment for him and that it is vital for my life to do that regularly. I need to be a better person about a lot of things, but that being superwoman is beyond my duties as a mother and as a wife. I need to know that I am not crazy. I need to remember that I am who I am. 7:10 p.m. - 2003-08-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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