xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinking While it is nice to see people, I find that just seeing them in the most literal definition of the word, isn't enough anymore. Perhaps it used to be and that used to be enough for me to feel that I have fulfilled my duties as a friend. But tonight it kind of struck me that I am not that person anymore. Or at least I can't pretend to be that person anymore. I was over at the House, ostensibly to see Dave. Which I did. See him, I mean. But while we had some conversation, most of the evening revolved around the TV, as it is wont to do on Thursday nights (which incidently is OK because that is the actual purpose of Thursday night gatherings) watching a show I could not follow very easily and discussing things that I had little to contribute to intellectually. Julia had a grand time, which is nice. It has been a bit too long since I've had the time or energy to go out visiting and I find that perhaps more often than not I do so these days for her benefit as much as (and increasingly more so) than my own. I, for the most part, was glad that I had brought my knitting "project". It kept my hands busy and occupied enough of my attention that I didn't feel like I ought to shorten my visit just so that I could escape feeling a bit down about the turn my friendships have taken. When I got up to go, I remembered that I had a few things left over there from the cooking extravaganza that we had put together for a friend and went to collect them. I found some tings in use, which is fine, how much can you have things around other people's houses without expecting that they might be used at some point. But what kind of bothered me was that when I inquired about the things left inside, I was told to just take them out and find my things on my own in their kitchen and, really, stop being a pain about bothering them about it and just take them away already. Now of course none of this was explicitly stated but it was only until I was rummaging lost in their cupboards that someone came to rescue me from making a big scattering of dishes and directed me to where things could be found. I felt a bit odd becuase it wasnt as though I had deliberately left these things in their kitchen to annoy them, or as a matter of being forgetful when bringing them over. They had offered to be the intermediary step of getting the stuff from poit A to point B and I had not realized that things had been left long enought to be a bother. of course, one might have said that they could just as easily have brought them to me, but that might be expecting too much. As it was, I had to wash out my stuff, hoisting a cooler a bit too awkwardly with my back being what it is these days, over the kitchen sink to drain the last of the water in it and dry it out and then struggle to get it out to my car. One person asked if I needed help (thank you for asking) and, on my way out the door, that same person was the only one to hug me goodbye. Now I am perhaps not in the best of moods lately and I know that I haven't been around very much, but would it have killed someone to ask how I'd been doing with all the changes going on in my life? Sarah I know has been able to keep pace, seeing as we see one another frequently because of choir, and maybe because they hear updates here and through her (or others) they feel like they hear enough of what's going on to not have to bother to ask, I don't know. I do know that one person made the comment a few days ago that they had not seen me in awhile and would catch up on the goings on of things when we got together, but that person didn't ask either. I am tired and a bit conflicted about things and that does not usually make for entries that both make sense and are fair to the people involved but I don't really care right now. I just know that I drove home thinking about the one person whose hug left me warm and wondering why it is that I don't nurture my relationships with the people who make me feel that way all the time, or even in those moments that matter most. So, thank you. You made my night a bit brighter.
11:42 p.m. - 2004-03-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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