xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Post Concert Musings Spring Concert has always been a bit of a mixed bag for me. Along with all the excitement over singing, the relief at having performed so well, at having it over and done with for another year, there is a bit of a shadowy place that remains. You see, I came into the choir in a round-about fashion--a backdoor groupie, a tagalong, a friend of a friend. I hadnt wanted to join choir, preferring to leave it as a separate unknown entity or "box" from my close-knit group of friends. That other part of their life that consumed them some of the time but having me separate gave them a bit of a respite, or so I liked to think. I went along to UAMC get- togethers, to parties, to murder mysteries but I always held myself a bit apart, not wanting to intrude on this other part of my friends life, not wanting to get too involved and lose me separate-ness. I got to know the players there, got to know who was who and when they talked about things that went on "in choir" I could relate some faces to some names in a neat little choir "box". It was easy enough to forget about choir, it wasnt part of my day to day life, really, and I had my best friends around me most days and nights, especially in those moments when I wasnt involved with another box of my life. Life was good. until that terrible day in 1997 when it suddenly wasnt good. In fact it was the day my entire world fell apart. And all of the boxes of my life that I had stacked so precariously one on top of the other came crashing down around me. My friendships disintegrated, my engaement fell into shambles, my relationship with my parents became a logistical nightmare, my life flashed before me as I crashed headlong into a bus pole. And the things that saved me, that pulled me back slowly from that abysss that yawned my name, were those somewhat unknown faces that I had some patchy names attached to. And a sudden and incredible urge to plunge myself into that world that had brought so much joy and life into the friends of my past. I felt certain that this would bring me back into their lives, back into the circle of love that had suddenly abandoned me. But as I enbraced one side, the other left me for good, saying that I clearly didn't need them now that I had the choir. I couldnt choose conciously, this path that I had been set upon seemed to lead me and I had to follow it, wherever it went and at whatever cost. I still miss them. Miss the life I had, day and nights in one another's company. Miss the moments that might have marked the milestones of our frienships. I miss her most of all, Spring concert and her birthday always intertwined in my memory. I dont know that I shall ever let go of the depths our friendships took us through, or shall ever stop comparing all of my friendships to the one that we shared. I think about how unfair this may seem considering that she walked away from it all and that we havent yet found a way to even catch one another's eyes without flinching. But through all the heartache and pain, "I wouldn't have missed the Dance". And so almost 7 years have come and gone. More years with the people who helped rebuild my life from the ruins I stood mired in than with the people I had tried to reconcile with. But every year I look for them, familiar faces in a crowd of Alumni. A pang of memories, too dear to let go of, too deep to cross, too much to forgive. And for a moment, I try to imagine what might have happened if life had taken a different course. If I had only ever seen the concert from the seats of the hall, marvelling at the amazing music that was made and never having been a part of it. And somehow I'm glad for the way life goes.
9:16 p.m. - 2004-03-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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