xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Organizing a life after baby Some days it feels as though life never existed before the arrival of Baby. That time never held much in the way of impotance or joy. Yet, as I know in my head (somewhere)there did exist a part of me that was more than just...mamma, the milking machine. Dwayne headed back to school today, after a month home with us. It was odd, waking to an empty apartment. Stranger still to try to organize my life into some sort of normalcy tht will allow for a clearer head. I have been hit, somewhat sporatically, with bouts of anxiety, baby blues, perhaps. Dont get me wrong, baby is thriving and well. She is delightfully quiet and mostly well-behaved. There are few things I could ask more of her. But I have found myself in a bit of a spot. I have exchanged my identity, my own true sense of "who I am" for this small bundle of joy. For Dwayne, too, it seems that he has grown weary of the novelty of taking on everything i have let slip by the wayside (like dises and taking out the trash, and picking up after everyone). He is anxious, too, for us to return to "the way things were" only with a happy smiling cooing Julia in tow. Days and nights blend almost seamlessly (case in point as I sit here in the middle of the night, having just lulled her to sleep in my lap and now immobilized by her) and the lack of sleep thing is wearing me down. My arms, aching from the incessant weight of holding her, are a dichotomy of joy and pain. Nursing, mostly good, having been through a six-week crash course, becomes occasionally frustrating when I can't tell if she is nursing because she is hungry or just to satisfy some innate suckling urge. There are so many things left to do with the wedding too, and all projects that are terribly difficult to do one-handed, while nursing and talking to a baby: *Creating flower-girl baskets *Making boutenieres for the guys *Buying gifts for the bridesmaids *Table runners for the tables *Decorating the arch for the ceremony *What to do with Wedding cake *Invitations and RSVPs *Making (?) Ring-bearer's pillow *Choosing outfits for the children *Dealing with bridemaids dresses *Writing my wedding vows *Get a gift for Dwayne * * * And there must be more that I can not remember... It is frustrating to want to do so much and yet feel so run-down and worried. I am trying so hard NOT to be a "super-mom" becuase I know that I am prone to taking too much on my plate but I dont see how everything will fall together by October.... Sigh, I should sleep now that she is finally sleeping. Tommorow is another day, or so they tell me. 12:57 a.m. - 8/7/2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Purge and Bond Weekend A weekend of purge and bond with my Dwayne. Sounds gross, and it makes me laugh to consider it, especially because we did it with my parents. I guess I owe and explanation. In short, Dwayne and I attended a weekend workshop called "Silver Training" in which a moderator leads the group through a number of exercises designed to stretch your comfort zones, prompt thoughts and positive actions. Because we work in dyads, or pairs, Dwayne and I agreed that this workshop would be our "premarital counselling". Although I was a bit disappointed that this workshop was not as profound as my last time taking this workshop, I still felt that we emerged stronger as a couple and that we took a great deal out of the days that w spend together. It is rare for us to make time to spend, face to face, with no other distractions and nothing more required of us than discussing situations that might arise or have come from the past. Twenty one hours, two days, lots of hugs, some laughs, some tears and smiles to brings us closer to a lifetime together. All mushy, pretty sentimental, fairly nauseating, very enlightening. 12:38 a.m. - 9/30/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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