xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday stress . As the holidays approach, I am thrown into a quagmire that I have never experienced before: holiday stress. And not exam stress either, which is an adjustment in itself, but this dread of trying to be something....perfect. Of throwing the perfect holiday get-together (which was actually quite successful, thank you very much) but also of...creating holiday crafts to rival those in stores, baking perfect cookies to rival those of bakeries...And falling short every single time. I am quite aware that my expectations of myself are both unreasonable and unfair but I cant help it. I feel like I dont have any other outlet, here in this stupid town where I have no friends and feel like i have no support system telling me that I dont need to do this, dont have to prove anything to anyone. Dwyane tries, I know he does and I shouldnt fault him for trying but just sometimes he says things that make me feel like I shouldnt even attempt to do anything because I will always fail. Now this is my take on things because I am sensitive, defensive and hurt that my daily project (gingerbread house) has once again proven itself a dismal failure...Sigh. I just wish that he wouldnt push me away when I am down. I know he is just trying to protect himself but, God, I need someone to tell me its ok either way... Now he's mad and I am upset and disappointed and I didnt know where else to go...so here I am, OD, pouring my heart out to you. I feel a little better having gotten some of this out but nothing has changed the atmosphere of the apartment and the sad lump of dough in the fridge...
11:24 p.m. - 12/9/2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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