xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Word on the baby front I go into the doctor's office on Wednesday and she does her thing but tells me that she is unsure of the baby's position. So we book an ultrasound to see where exactly baby's head is and whether or not it is breech. As it turns out, the baby is happily sitting with his head nestled in my ribs, closest to my heart in a position called the frank breech position. This means the legs are folded up and are right next to the head. Not a comfortable position for you or me, but seems to be just dandy for baby. There is some concern from the radiologist and the ultrasound tech that the baby is extremely small for its gestational age. This worries me. Dwayne, when he is called into the room and told about the position of the baby looks very troubled. C-sections look like a very distinct possibility at this point and he is unhappy with the thought of my having major abdominal surgery. I really dont blame him, I hadnt really given much, if ay thought of having a c-section. We go home and try to encourage the baby to turn on its own, but not before I have a complete breakdown. I really havent been overwhelmingly emotional throughout this pregnancy and certainly not like this. This was exhausting to cry so hard. Tonight, after watching "Black Hawk Down" with some friends from out of town, I go to check my messages. There are five. I am astounded, because we very rarely get more tan two messages. It turns out my doctor has been trying to reach me all day and had booked an appointment at my hospital's labout and delivery ward. Which, of course, I missed. Ic alled the hopstial and the nurse was very relieved to hear from me. I am to go in tommorow becasue the size of the baby, the position of the baby and more importantly the small amount of amniotic fluid in my uterus has raised alarm bells in my doctor's head. I am trying to get myself into a headspace that will allow me to realize, fully, the implications of going in tommorow. There is a very good possibility that I will need to deliver baby tommorow because it is not growing fast enogh and when i was ill, I lost enough weight to be concerned with baby's well-being. I am supposed to monitor baby through the night and if I dont feel baby is ok, I am to go in tonight. Too much excitement for 1 am. I should go to sleep--perhaps for the last complete night's rest I will enjoy for awhile :) June 15th is a good day to have a birthday, isn't it? 12:48 a.m. - 6/15/2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A whisper through the grapevine so, I guess I should do a bit of catch up on the little goings-on of my life. Well, not so little, really. Life changing opportunities have arisen and I have grasped them by the neck and run with them. **A flashback** I was sitting at my kiosk, minding my own business, surveying something mediocre and retarded, like Worker's Compensation, when I suddenly got called to the front to take a phone call. One of my friends, the KING of finding other people's jobs, was calling to let me know that there was a job opening for a teacher's aide/program assistant at the school where his father teaches. Juniour high. Arghhh.. Not what I wanted, given my practicum experience. But, how could I in good conscience,have passed up the opportunity that lay before me? So, I called and made an appointment for an interview. It went off without a hitch and I was thrilled with the opportunity to get back in the classroom. Before the end of the interview I was offered the job, pending contact with my reference. I knew, once again, that I had things in the bag. Wonderful. Now what. Well, I needed a vehicle, the bus being a option that was discarded even as it began to form in my head. So, I went to my financial advisor and arranged for the appropriate funds to be deposited back into my account. Then the shopping. Not wanting to conduct an exhaustive search, and with a particular kind of car in mind (old beater) it wasn't tough to locate my first car. Exhilerating? yes. Tough? not at all.I heard back from my new job just as I found my "new" car. I could start right away. But I really needed to arrange things with my other job...What to do? I didn't want to give up my marketing job. It was a good steady job and just before I accepted my new job, they gave me a raise. *sigh* I went into work expecting the worst. And was blown out of the water by their proposal. I could drop down to one or two weeknights and one weekend shift until I was done with school in June, at which time I could go back up to full-time days. No problems, no questions asked if I needed extra time off, etc. How did I get so fortunate, all of a sudden? 12:19 a.m. - 4/29/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A View of the World Inside (2)
For every thought that is digested, half a dozen are thrown by the wayside. They are those thoughts that are rebellious and extreme. In a word, distasteful. And although we may be satisfied with our view of the world and feel that we are open to other opinions and points of view, we do not realize just how closeted we really are. We are a society of the old millenium, whose awareness of self is clearly defined--and defended. We are quick to judge but not so quick to understand. Quick to accuse, slow in forgiving. We believe that there are always two sides to a story, but, more often than not, we can only see one. However hard we try to be empathetic and put ourselves on the other side, we still see only abstractions of the same point. Most clearly during this holiday season, we think of money to be power and material possessions to be wealth. And it is generally accepted thinking that we are right. We know that there are many mistakes made and many problems unsolved...and yet, caught up in our feeble little matters of daily trials, we lose sight of the true meaning of the holiday. I am embarassed to know this, and call myself as black as the kettle, but can not shake this pathetic lethargy. So I go, the same as you, the same as everybody, contemplating the changes in the structure of the world. I will change with you, without you, within you, with everyone, together. And I can say this with certainty in a world where uncertainty predominates, that the life I lead and the life I live is never the same life I percieve.
11:27 p.m. - 12/13/2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Missing Susan Reflecting on the past events in Life seems to me to be the epitome of what makes us uniquely human. On the one hand, we look back and see how far we have come and perhaps we can see the future as a shining hopeful new beginning. Optimism is a chore, rising against the norm of the Earth's rotation, and it is easier to sink into negativity that pulls like a bog and has gravity on its side. But Fate, that elusive combination of happiness and grief, the Master Teacher in disguise, has lessons for me to learn... Oh I know, I should just get on with life and forget that we ever had a friendship as rich and deeply satisfying as the one we had...Isnt this akin to chopping off your legs? Right well, I just hope that she is well. But I also hope that she thinks of me often. Too much to ask for. Sigh. Why cant I just forgive her and let go? I have done so with Sarah. I hardly think about her with regret anymore, simply resignation and love. Why cant it be thus with Susan? Well. If I could write to her, I'd tell her that I think of her often and wish her well. I would say that I often dream that she has forgiven my mistakes and my acts of total desperation. Writing that note at Sarah's gravesite was foolish and cruel, most especially to myself. I did want to die but lacked the courage. I wanted Susan to see that I needed her and that the way she turned away from me was the knife that drove me deeper into the pain of release. I wanted to be where Sarah was. Everyone loved her. despite the anger that she left behind her, she was free. I want to be mad or indifferent. Something other than this....agony of waiting for benediction. But Susan is on the other side of the world, in my shoes, doing what I dreamt I would be doing. And I am here, in her BC, folding clothes, like she used to do...God the irony, the irony! I think I hurt far more than I let on and this pain is spreading like a disease, robbing me of health and wellness...acknowledging this has been a long sordid journey, indeed. And so , I go....
11:23 p.m. - 12/5/2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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