xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mysterious Muse, Hear my Call...
Reading over the thoughts of previous days, I come to the end of the first passage, exhausted by the direction of my train of thought. Wondering aloud, startling myself with the sound of my voice- perhaps too cynical for my own preferences?- I amuse myself, briefly entertaining the thought that anyone can follow this train's journey and just as quickly dismiss this notion (oddly absurd, somehow) only to gasp at the addenum of a note...telling me that someone does read me and not only follows this train but also hopes perhaps to join the travel? Stirring a vat of inspiration, I set to work writing furiously about...nothing in general...and delete them in a swift moment of indecision and editing. I reflect momentarily on this mysterious muse...wherefore did you arrive and capture my mind? Fortuitous timing or Fate? And what of Fate? Ever cloaked in controversy, its existence is tentative at best and I want so much to believe that it leads me unerringly towards a mutually acceptable conclusion to this Life. Logic in some part of my mind jerks me towards the inevitable conclusion that Fate is merely a frail human excuse, one that causes the "believer" to create situations that they might not otherwise find themselves in- bravery finds a farcical face in its wearer. Then again, what of those times that all seemingly unrelated things suddenly find themselves tied in one inescapable conclusion? Well, I guess things can never quite be black and white, cut and dried...can they? And what of Free Will? Well, here, I guess, things get personal. I used to dismiss Fate easily. I wanted things to happen because a course of action that I determined had led them to these natural ends. I wanted to believe that Life was more like a "Choose-your-own -adventure book" than a tumble of Time hurling me unceasingly towards some unknown and mysterious end. I wanted at least the illusion of power over my actions! But now...I am confused. While the circumstances that led me to this change of mindstate were due to actions that were not always noble or reasonable, I am still terrified of Fate. I am afraid because then Sarah's death was not a simple misfortune, and the subsequent disintegration of the surviving friendship circle was not simply a tactical error on my part or anyone else's...Fate takes away the need to point fingers, for guilt and pain...for blame and forgiveness. The implications of this upon my soul are immersurable. Was it the hand of Fate that closed this door? For Fate has been kind as well. The pain and confusion, the guilt and pain of betrayal and loss of love and friends inevitably led to a new, healthier and happier network of support. Not looking a gift-horse in the mouth, I have plunged into this new group, coming away stronger and more sure of "Who I Am"... Why, then, do I continue to seek out the avenues that are clearly closed to me when they only bring me gifts of sleepless nights and angst-ridden days? Why is letting go so awkward and hard when Fate has decreed it to be so? Even now, so many years have passed and still I long to reach out...and curse my weakness... Where are my answers, oh mysterious muse, hear my call...
11:22 p.m. - 11/14/2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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