xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On Endings
Sometimes life is like a hallway, long, narrow, wrought with doors, branching, stairs that go up, stairs that go down. There are choices. There are people who crowd around you, shoving, moving, cajoling. There are those who stop for directions, those who accompany you to your next destination. There are doors you open and realize right away that they are not the ones you should enter into and there are doors that lead to other hallways with other doorways. I have walked through some doors that have led me to where I am today. And I face a crossroads. I have known for awhile that I need to change things, need to re-evaluate, need to have some standards. I guess I was waiting for some sign that it really was time. That the time to change was now. And so it has come to pass. I am tired of fighting with people who do not support me. Hate the daily struggle and wonder if I am worthy of being their friend. Feel sick to death that I am not so much a friend as a pain in their ass who steps on their precious toes and seems to steal their fantastic ideas to make them come to fruition. I hate that I work so hard to feel like a complete heel. I need a rest from the drudgery of these people who I call "friends." I feel horrible and I shouldn't. My motives are pure, my intentions honest. My friend lost a precious relationship and I refuse to feel trampled upon in this attempt to show my affection, my love for her and my empathy at her loss. The event will go on, the people will come and if these friends of mine choose to stay away to spite me, then I feel that it is their loss. I can do no more than offer what I am. If I waited for thier initiative, I would be dead and gone. Procrastination has stymied them and though I know they mean well in their grandiose plans, I know that they lack many of the things it takes to pull things together. So I have this skill in organizing, in planning. Is it such a crime for me to LIVE life rather than just ponder it? My birthday was in January. I am still waiting for my birthday present. It is never going to come, no matter what they tell me. Its not the lack of gift, it's the lack of effort. And here we are, dancing to the same tune. The Pied Piper leads again. Well I need to stop following dancing, and need to start living the life I deserve with people around me who appreciate me for what I offer and not squelch the gifts God has bestowed upon me. I can't help what I am. I rather like what I am. And I sure as hell won't let them stomp it out of me.
1:16 a.m. - 7/29/2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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