xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Playing Nice, Maybe OK. Rambling. I didn't want to think about it and if I tried really hard, I could side-step the guilt that was beginning to smother me. But then I realized that I was not as strong or as determined as I thought. I couldn't completely walk away. After all, I am not always striving to be uber-bitch of the year. So there was a party. And it was, in part, a chance to play nice and talk pretty and say the right thing and patch the wrong areas and, generally, lie down and take it. And I thought maybe that it wouldnt matter to me of things never got to the point where I would feel (obligated is the wrong word, but not, you know?)... *Sigh*...to do the right thing beacuse MellieBellie was leaving. But I am that kind of person. And no matter what else might change about me, I dont think the fact that I am generally a vacuum will. Am I disappointed? Is this a gigantic leap backwards? Perhaps not. I am after all a bit crafty with words. So maybe I didnt play as nice as it could have come across. There were still a lot of things left unsaid, a lot of eyes I didnt meet, a lot of hugs that still felt strained and staged. The message in the cards went something like: "I meant to wait until I had something meaningful and wonderful to write about. And now here we are, in this moment and who would've thought life would have led us here? And no matter what other things change, always remember the things we shared, the things we were, and te things we have yet to accomplish. Though thngs right now seem a bit fragmented, there is nothing to say that it will be like this forever...Thank you for helping to mold who I have become, for now I am free." When ifinished writing the last card, I felt like I had inadvertently told them that it was over, thanks for the memories, thanks for the fun. I am moving on and I will always look back with rose-tinted glasses and such. At the same time, I also felt like I was drawig them closer to me again. Like they didnt have to be afraid to meet my eye, to ask how my girl was, to give me a hug good-bye. So maybe things went the way I secretly (in some mysterious, unconcious part of my heart) thought that they should. Or maybe the freaking hand of Fate is pushing me again. Either way, things have once again shifted. 12:21 a.m. - 2003-08-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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