xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monkey on my Back So a day later and many tired tears spilled in the name of this awful thing hanging over our heads, I have only come to two certainties. One, I am certain that I do not want to live here past February. Whether this means that I will cash out the remainder of my investments to pay this guy out to do so, or that we will come to some sort of agreement as to how and what money will be exchanged for our peace of mind, I cant say. All I know is that I want it to be resolved within the time frame that we have set. Secondly, I am resolved to allow Julia to do what she will. That is, I am no longer going to stop her from carrying things, I am not going to follow her around with blankets to muffle the things she may or may not drop at any given moment. I am not going to stifle her childhood anymore. This of course is easier than it sounds because I have gotten into the habit of shushing her. Of taking away things that she wants to hold. Of yelling at her when she happens to drop things one too many times. And at this point in the game it really doesnt make an ounce of difference either way. So I should break these awful habits and just let Julia be Julia. Last night I had a breakdown that should have felt at least a bit cathartic to get out of my system. Instead I felt like it was unfinished, like there was so much more rage inside of me, thsat perhaps I am not keeping my head above these waters as much as I like to think I am. That I perhaps might need to get a bit of help here. Because I feel overwhelmed by the whole situation, feel depressed that I can not keep myself organized about what we are going to do and when. That somehow, Life is dragging me along for this rollercoaster trip that feels as though it has no end. King's X on what I thought I wanted for my birthday. What I really want is for this nightmare to be over and allow me to enter the Year of the Monkey without this monkey on my back. 5:52 p.m. - 2004-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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