xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bitter pill i'm feeling bitter and disappointed. We had tried to see where our finances stood today and have discovered that this week will be a lean week indeed for this poor household. I don't even know, after car payment and insurance comes out if we will have enough to buy milk for Julia until next payday, a long two weeks away. It feel a bit surreal to me to live so close to the edge of this abyss of debt that continues to rise up and engulf us even as we attempt to creep away from it. Every month things go a bit tighter, we discover new things that need repairs or replacements and we can't even squeak by a week without worrying that we can't quite make it. For me it seems, especially, this is hardest. Living at home 24/7 without feeling like I can contribute at all to this burden that we are slowly caving into is making me slip into a depression the likes of which I have not fel t in a long time. My eyes, even now are streaked with tears as the hopelessness fills me to overflowing. How has it come to this? How is it that two well-educated young people struggle this much? And most of all, how can I feel like I am providing a good home to my family if all I feel like doing is crying over the uselessness of my position in the household? I am hoping that some epiphany will come to me, that somehow someone will come along and tell me that it will all come out in the end. That we will be taken care of, that somehow we will make it through this skiddish path that is driving us off the road. But I know in the real world, the cold harsh unblinking expensive real world, I have no fairy godmother, no magic lottery ticket, no free ride, and that realization makes me shiver with inadequacy. I want to go back to work. I want to earn something that will put food on the table. I want to know that I am an important part of keeping us afloat. And knowing that my hands are tied feels so unacceptable to me. I know in my head that I can't do that much to contribute. That going out to work now will only hurt our finances in the end. But the immediate gratification of working, of paychecks to bring home, of money and positive balances in the bank...I don't know that I will be able to hold off til July. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings for today has been nothing but hard disappointment to swallow. A bitter pill indeed. 1:44 p.m. - 2004-03-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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