xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid Superstitions I'm feeling a bit angsty right now. Julia is down for a nap, hubby has boys night on Sundays and I am feeling a bit out of sorts. Well now, I guess I am not really out of sorts, I am down right pissed off. You see, my mother's birthday is today and I went to the farmer's market to find somethng nice, but not too kitchy for her. I found a lovely clock that embraced all the wholistic wellness crap that she has become so attached to, added a loaf of homemade multigrain bread (to support her healthy eating lifestyle) and two jars of homemade jam (because everyone like jam on toast). It was nice. I felt a bit proud that I had enveloped a gift that was practical and still personal, you know? Anyway, I went over, sans child to spend some time with just her and it was nice to chat, like adults over tea. I left feeling like it was high time that we had established a *real* relationship. Fast forward a few hours when she called me to say that she is bringing back the clock I gave to her because my father so kindly told her that it is considered a bad omen to recieve a clock for a birthday gift. Some bullshit about how giving someone "time" implied that they didn't have enough of it on their own. So now it sits in my front entry way, mocking the occasion and a complete and utter throw back in my face. Hubby is going to tell me that he knew it was too good to be true, the whole getting along with parents thing and not feeling like I am five years old desparately craving their approval. I am mad that he was right all along. I am mad that I spent time and energy on her. I am mad that I now have a lasting reminder of how dumb I was to think that I could get away from all that stupid superstition that i grew up with all my life. Mostly, though, as I sit here, I just want to forget that I ever tried to make things better. Gah. I wish that were my only complaint. I wish that I could just brush it off but the truth is I cant becuase there are just a number of things eating at me and it was one of those proverbial straws that break the camel's back. Hubby and I were bickering yesterday, as we frequently do after he plays that retardedly violent game he plays online with his friends. We had made plans to go grocery shopping and like most things, we let it slide until it was almost too late to go. You see, he was supposed to go out and play street hockey and neglected to tell me with enough time to go get groceries and be back. So he ended up not going, sulking about it for awhile, sulking too about the fact I objected to his wanting to go out both nights of the weekend when it is really the only time that we get to spend as a family. And perhaps a bit upset that I pointed out that he has been ill and probably shouldnt be out playing ball hockey like a maniac when he could hardly drag his ass out of bed. It bothers me mostly because I havent been feeling well lately and really would like more support. I am sure that if I were at 100% I would not be as reluctant to let things go more easily. But the reality of it is that I have been feeling crappy, I do hurt in places I am unsure should be hurting. I dont have the energy to carry Julia everywhere or get everything I would like to do done. And, really for my own sake, I would like to spend time cuddling with just him. I dont know. i'm lonely tonight. I wish I had cable so that i could at least drown my miseries in mindless drivel. instead, here I am, trying valiently to re-read "High Fidelity" so I can sound reasonably intelligent tomorrow, thinking about mustering up the energy to make myself something more nutritious for dinner than butter tarts and noodles. And glad that i have a group of friends to take my mind away from all of this as we gather for book club, book re-read or not. Onwards. 8:43 p.m. - 2004-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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