xeryfyn's Diaryland Diary

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To Amanda

"It's all because of you,

I'm feeling sad and blue"

It's been a few weeks since you left and I got a last hurried hug at your door. It was hard to pause as long as I wanted with babies waiting to go home but in no way was the brevity of my hug any indication of the depth of my feelings about you. After all, you are one of my Angels, one of the ones who showed me the meaning of Love, the hard truths behind it, the sweetness of its rewards, the one with the strength to walk away from love, the one who loved unconditionally and without guile.

"You went away,

Now my life is just a rainy day and I love you so,

How much you'll never know

You've gone away and left me lonely.

Untouchable memories

Seem to keep haunting me"

So many memories reach out to crowd around:

Godspell and its hilarity; the trip to Denny's afterward and the point where I realized just how your personality expands to fit the space where you are, drawing people to you like moths to a dangerous flame...

Girl's Night at the FIJI house; mysteriously bleeding thumbs emerging from backpacks, hysterical hair dying parades, raucous laughter shaking the bridge and on into the night...

"Another love so true,

That once turned all my gray skies blue

But you disappeared,

Now my eyes are filled with tears

And I'm wishing you were here

With me soaked with love all my thoughts of you"

The joy of being in choir with you--your disbelief at being turned from an alto into a soprano, the light that shone from you when you sung, the resonance of your voice, clear as a bell...

The way you carried yourself, confident and sure from being a choir groupie, worming your way easily into the hearts of those around you.

"Now that you're gone I just don't know what to do

If only you were here,

You'd wash away my tears

The sun would shine,

Once again you'll be mine all mine

But in reality, you and I will never be cos

You took your love away from me."

I may not have told you often enough how inspiring it is to watch someone dream and plan and then set off to fulfill their dreams. First with your globetrotting Africa trip--such a simple thing, to fly away, to explore new places and challenge oneself to live a life of purpose...I wrote then, in our post 9-11 world that I was happy that yo were living life the way God means it to be lived: day to day, free of terror and free of limits. And that you personified it in every part of your life.

"If only you were here,

You'd wash away my tears

The sun would shine,

Once again you'll be mine all mine

But in reality,

You and I will never be cos

You took your love away from me.

Oh -- Baby you took your love away from me."

You struggled upon your return with the

way your perspective had changed, having seen the sun set on the other side of the world. Your thoughts on love had changed, your satisfaction with the status quo was questioned and you found yourself wondering how to go on with the reality of Love.

But life goes on, as it is wont to do and you found love lurking in new places, new dreams to fulfill and now you are there in a place I will call further than here, pursuing yet another dream.

I know that you will never know unless I tell you just how much I love you, admire you and miss you. No matter how far away you roam, know that I hold a piece of you here in my heart.

5:01 p.m. - 2004-09-06

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